| If I could write you a letter, I'd forget half the words I really want to say, but it might go something like this.
Back then, I needed you. Without you, I think I would have given up a long time ago. Life would have been pointless.
I needed you.
But I was confused when you stopped needing me like I needed you. The new love and happiness I found in your journal entries was genuinely baffling. I loved that you were happy about someone, without regrets and all, but you? You made a decision without even telling us? You didn’t even think about how anyone else would feel? really, i thought you cared more about us? I know I was the dependent among us, but I thought you were too. That's just the way it's always been. Always was, all the time. we were best friends,we respected each other. You were built up as this object of perfection as far as a friend could go in my mind. You could do no wrong; saint made palpable. Even if you did, you’d realize it, be the least stubborn among us and fix it. Fix us all, just like it used to be. Your word was glue to hold us together. You were the only one that needed to know the real, ugly stuff going on in my head at the time; one who got to listen to me be myself the phone.
And then you weren't.
I never realized how much it changed you, and never actually apologized for walking on you like that, imposing my beliefs on you, but honestly it was because I thought it was for the best. Now I guess you can make your own decisions. Its been like, two months, and maybe I stopped needing you to be around, I’m just wandering off. I think I’ve moved on, business as usual, with my new crutch turning my knuckles white. I hope you can be happy with what you’ve chosen, I’m sorry I can’t be supporting you.
But every day, I think of you. How needing a person like that is terrifying, being dependent on 2 people. How relieving it is to have that weight lifted. I miss you. I miss the heart to hearts. I miss crying over the phone and laughing over how ugly my face looks when I pull unglamourous faces, or when I’m crying or how my ex boyfriend looked like a papaya. I miss telling you all of the things nobody else would know--because you were special, needed, not like everyone else. I miss the look I got when you saw me doing things on my own, when you laughed at me like I was weird then hugged me, screeching “chooooooo”. I miss random excursions where we end up doing nothing but eating junky fast food and your weird-as-hell speaking patterns where you kind of make noises to express yourself. I miss how things were.
You changed, and every time I stopped to let you catch up, you changed more. I don't recognize you at all. I miss you. The Old You. You can't be there for me anymore. That space where you so neatly fit has long since been reoccupied.
I hate to call myself irresponsible, but sometimes I feel like I am. Like, if I had only given a damn when I saw you spiraling away, none of this would have happened. I even tried to end things peacefully, I didn’t want to get in between the two of you, because that’s what it would be like with you two. I can’t even think about it without cringing. But you said “i really dont want this to be an issue between us ): and i just want you to know that i really really really hearts you cho and that no boy no nothing is ever worth any awkwardness between us.” So I thought, it’d be okay, everything will be back to normal. You’ll be a huge part of my life again and I’ll be in yours. And now I'm not in it anymore, and I guess you've given up the mad chase I keep unintentionally leading you on and make you do things you don’t want to. we’re leaving for jc soon, but I hope to see you again one day, anyway.
And if I do, what would I say? Where would I start? I'm growing so much. Today, I gave a presentation at work and got a warm reception of encouragement, they said I had a future here, they’d be happy to see me again in the future. I'm learning Korean. I’ve started writing again, I’m editing it right now as we speak. I've fallen horribly in love with Asian pop idols in general, I’ve rediscovered all my old obscure bands again. I want to study abroad and run a law firm, I’ve finally made up my mind. (remember I was telling you about being a plastic surgeon so I could do all of our faces/bodies for free) I take less that 3 minutes to decide what I want to eat for lunch, I don’t spend all my free time on allkpop, I don’t flail around half as much. I’ve moved on from my old crushes, I have new hobbies, I’ve met new people, I think I’m starting to become the person I want to be. Did you ever think I could change so much, and not tell you anything that’s happening with me? Because I didn’t. You’re different now, and i'm different too; I wish you could see just how I'm growing up. I wish I could see what’s going on in your life, how you’re holding up.
And I wish I could hear your "I'm here for you."
I miss you. |
